My Immortal Commentary
by Don't Tell Them I'm Not Real
Summary: nuff said.
1. Chapter 1

(ok, this is my friend Amy and I's commentary on the possibly worst fanfiction ever written. Enjoy.)

Disclaimer: FUCK NO I DIDN'T WRITE THIS! Get cho ass in the corner for ten minutes!

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)

2 my gf (ew not in that way)**Why even bring it up then?** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **You couldn't use spellcheck? Your joking right?** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **Please. Go kill yourself now.**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way ***cough* Mary sue **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)**Oh my god! You were born with long ebony black hair! **( with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **What even is a 'limpid tear'? **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee. **Not really.**

(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **Ew, incest..**

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **Yes, because you were born with perfectly fucking straight teeth. I went to the orthodontist to get my braces off, and they couldn't see my huge ass teeth. ** I have pale white skin. **No shit you're a vampire. **I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **Its in Scotland** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).**(nope. I thought you were five and in your seventh year of Hogwarts…**) I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)**(HOLY FRICKIN PLOT TWISTER) **and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. (***COUGH* poser. *COUGH*)**

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, **(what the fuck do you need white foundation for if yur already pale you stupid fuck…)** black eyeliner and red eye shadow. (**over description much…)**I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. (**oh my gosh, Minecraft…)**

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. (**charming)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! (**porqueno you need dot dot dots?) **

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.(**yup. The biggest jerk in the entire world becoming shy? Definitely possible.) **

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. (**WHAT TWAS THE POINT!?)**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! (**nope it sucked. Hey, hey you see that rope over there? You see that rafter? You know how to tie a knot right? You know where im going with this.)**

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!

**Bloodytearz666, what kind of sick person are you? Why didn't you destroy her computer when you read this. Or head…)**

BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! (**its not called a flame when the story is shit. And we aren't preps, we just have brains…)**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. (**holy crap, I thought you woke up at the bottom of the SEA! Damn you for ruining my fantasy..)**

It was snowing and raining again. (**them minecraft days are long…) ** I opened the door of my coffin (**yep. Cos when you came to Hogwarts, instead of a bed, they just said "here's your coffin") ** and drank some blood from a bottle I had. (**why the fuck would you have a bottle of blood beside your bed? It should at least be in a mini fridge. Honestly, don't you know how to preserve blood?)**

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. (sounds so freakin' gay….)

I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. (**my jesus, why ya gotta bring my chemical romance into this?) **Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. (**oh man, I thought you'd wear pajamas all day.. and do you know how much leather costs? You must be rich with all that leather you be wearin. Its probably vinyl…)**I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears,(**oh my gracious…. I never knew earings go in your ears…)**

and put my hair in a kind of messy friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)(**you poor little biscuit, raven…)**woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.((**woah, she wakes up AND grins before she opens her eyes?! Magical…)**

She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)(**there is a word for you people like you. Wannabes..)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. (**OH MY GOD SHE TALKED TO DRACO?! Next your gunna tell me she talked to Dumbledore!)**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. (**dude, I talk to my crush all the time. Ya do see me blushin' about it. And she is a vampire, how the Jesus does she blush)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. (**how the fuck did they suddenly teleport to the common room? Do they have Ender Pearls?)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. (**no need to freak out, it twas just a question!)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. (**wait wait wait wait wait! You can spell exclaimed, but not gothic?)** Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. (** that isn't obvious at all. What were you saying about not liking him again?**

"Guess what." he said.

**(WHAT? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!)**

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. (**wtf? Good Charlotte is a muggle band you dumb fuck! Whay would they know about Hogsmeade?!)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. (**oh Draco, what have you gotten yourself into?)**

I gasped. (**cos its so surprising. Its just like. "hey. Your second favorite band is having a concert really close to us. And I have two tickets. But im not taking you. Im taking my cat. My cat loves that band. Sometimes, ill just come home, and ill see that on my history on mah internet. And I look at my cat and im like 'GURRL, what choo doin' up dat band on mah computer, did I say you could have internet? Go back to yur litter box. You do that again and ill be takin' yo furry butt back to the pound.')**


	2. Update

So….. I don't know if I can continue this. My comments don't seem very original, and my partner abandoned me. So here's the deal- If someone wants to collab with me, I will continue. I'll accept anyone who wants to help out!


	3. Chapter 2

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!**(I'll stop flaming when this starts being good) **odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(Oh, so blind people are on fanfiction now? Good to know…)**FANGS AGEN RAVEN! **(Yeah, thanks Raven. Why didn't you break her fingers to stop her from typing? Sadistic monster**…) oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis **(SEE! Even the author doesn't want to claim ownership!) **or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(Interesting. And did "Good Chralotte" form?)**

On the night of the concert, I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff** (Would this Corset Stuff happen to be a corset by any chance?) **on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky**.(And the award for the most clichéd goth-girl outfit goes to…)** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.(**Yep. Cause I always feel depressed when I'm going on a date with Draco "Mr. Slytherin Sex God" Malfoy!) **I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **(Was it your autobiography?)** and I listened to some GC. **(Aren't you going to their concert in a little bit? Obsessed fan much…)** I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. (**Are you cosplaying as a raccoon?)** Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. (**That is the sentence that makes sense in this entire story…) **I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.**(Yeah, I can't go to concerts without taking a swig of B neg first either) **

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.(**Bet he stole it from Ron) **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too**)(Good to know.),** baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).**(Since when is looking like a vampire/skate punk "Kewl'?)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.**(He must be so turned on by your enthusiasm)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666)**(*COUGH* so lame and clichéd *COUGH*) **and flew to the place with the concert.**(You mean the stadium?)** On the way we listened excitedly **(How does one listen excitedly to music?)** to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**(Y'all are such winners!) **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **(A re you two animagi?)** We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **(No shi*)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." (**That's what every boy wants to hear**) I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice **(OKAY, I GET IT, YOU LIKE HIS SINGING!).**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(It's just a band crush. Everyone has one**)

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **(No one can be liked more than Draco fricking Malfoy.)**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Ladies and Gentleman, American grammar at it's finest.)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff.**(Bitch**) I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**(You are the poster child for annoying hipsters…)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco (**I don't believe you**). After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them **(So now you're on a first name basis with rock-stars, huh?). **We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled(**Y'all musta partied hardy…)**back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!**(OH MEH GOD DRACO, JUST STOP THE CAR AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS!)**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming **(make us) **ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! **(but Mary Sue is **_**such **_**a better name!) **DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **(He's Draco Malfoy, he changes for no one) **dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **(What?! I'm giving up trying to read your sad excuse for English)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(Yes cause the Forbidden Forest is soo scary)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **(WHY?!) **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **(what?) **and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **(Sex on your first date...)**Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **(Keenly?) **He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(Wowww...)**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! **(Were the dot, dot, dots really necessary? And what's up with Dumbledore?!)**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.  
AN: STOP flaming! **(come at me bro. *readies the flamethrower*)** if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **(Not really. I just have good taste, love)** Da only  
reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad  
at dem 4 having sexx! **(surrre)**PS im nut updating umtil I get five good  
revoiws! **(Like we care.)**  
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.  
"You ludicrous fools!" **(Idiot, that's not how you use ludicrous. But points for spelling it right!)** he shouted.  
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face**. (since when do vampires  
cry? And blood ones too!)** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle  
Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonnagall **(why is she there? She isn't their HoH)** who were both  
looking very angry.**(why would they be angry when they don't know what happened yet.)**  
"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a  
furious voice. **(What was he doing there anyway? Is he some kind of voyeuristic freak?)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonnagall **(hmm, I dint know, could it possibly be because they are horny teens? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out...)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.  
And then Draco shrieked. **(I would PAY to hear Draco Malfoy SHRIEK.)** "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(Whoa, you only had one date  
dude)  
**Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but  
Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(WHAT?! They were let off the hook that easily?! And Snape was the one who let them go?! Did we enter the twilight zone or something?)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.  
"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently**.(would you be ok after being shamed by your teachers for being a skank?)  
**  
"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed **(oh yay, another outfit description!)** into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **(Why did she just change? I get if she changed into pajamas)**when I came out….  
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **(Since when does Draco sing?)** I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed**.(Dear God, kill me now)** After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room**.(are you sure he didn't run for his life?)  
**  
FROM ZHE KIWI- whew! BTW, some of the comments were from Gabloka! Hit up her account, she's in my Favorite Authors, mmkay?


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.  
AN: shjt up prepz ok! **(I would, if i knew what the heck you just asked me to do...)** PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(That's what you said last time. And yet you keep disappointing us with updates.)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(No duh)** I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it **(just wondering, why dont you say 'skull print'...?)** and high heeled boots that were black. **(I thought they were rainbow print, like the rest of your colorful outfit!)** I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **(Since when do you spray paint hair?)  
**In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, **(I guess you're not trying to hide the fact you're a vampire. And since when does the great hall have Count Chocula?)** and a glass of red blood. **(Blood's red! NO WAY!)** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **(Good. It was ugly.)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **(Since when were there so many goths in Hogwarts?)** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. **(excuse me while I puke at the over-the-top gothic description..)** He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **(Wait, you made Harry Potter go goth! Gross!)**He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **(you mean like most of the british people in school?)** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(Wasn't even thinking that. It's called being aroused..)  
**  
"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **(seriously, if someone called me a bastard for bumping into them, I sure as hell wouldn't be apologizing.)  
**  
"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **(You just pointed out that he didn't have glassed anymore and that he didn't have his scar anymore. Yeah, you don't know who he is. Also, you can't just get rid of his scar!)  
**"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." **(Wow. Worst. Nickname. Ever. Are we gonna start calling Remus Werewolf now?)** he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. (**He giggled? Damn, boys bi-polar) **

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.  
"Really?" he whimpered. **(Can't you see she's practically having a meal of blood?)  
**  
"Yeah." I roared. **(like a lion?)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(Without a goodbye! Gosh, so rude!)**


End file.
